How to Start Being a Neighbor in Big City

A little over a year ago, my wife, daughter and I moved from a single-family home in Columbus, Ohio to an apartment complex in West Los Angeles where the population density is about 12,000 people per square mile. We moved into a neighborhood called Santa Monica, and we only knew one family a few blocks away.

From the start, we knew we wanted to be great neighbors to our immediate neighborhood. However, in a city that prioritizes social networks over proximity neighboring, we knew that we were in for a challenge. LA is not the Midwest. It’s just not as welcoming and friendly like my neighbors back in Columbus, Ohio. We knew it would take time for our family to adjust and to start building new friendships. So we didn’t put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We just tried to be ourselves. 

A year and a half later, I can say we’ve done a pretty good job developing friendships with our neighbors.

We know every single one of our neighbors by name. We know about their families, their work, and what they do for fun. We even know some of their struggles as well as their dreams. Our next-door neighbor babysits for us weekly. I lift weights with my neighbor upstairs. I have deep philosophical and religious discussions with my other neighbor upstairs. We know the neighbors in other buildings on either side and behind where we live. We’ve moved furniture, installed TVs, organized a book club, babysat cats, and have thrown some dope ass parties—where 90% of the attendees come from within a two-block radius.

We can’t take full credit for this but we have noticed that the apartment complex has grown together. There’s a greater level of trust. We don’t fight with each other. When we have a problem, we go directly to each other. I would argue that we have one of the friendliest neighborly apartment complexes in all of Santa Monica.

We’re still learning, but here’s how we did it.

We started by being available and friendly. After we settled in to our new apartment, we hung out. We drank margaritas on our patio area right where everybody passed by us to go to the carport area. We said “hi” when we passed people on our way to take out the trash, get the mail, or on the way to the pool. We felt no pressure to make a relationship happen. We just did what we could in the amount of time we were allotted to connect with somebody and then we just let it be until the next time.

We continued by asking questions and being helpful. Being a good neighbor started by learning people’s names. We learned where they worked and where they moved from before they moved to LA. When people would see that we were available to help move a heavy dining room table, we said yes.

We sustained by being patient and natural. Over time, opportunities developed and grew from being acquaintances to becoming friends. We had to be patient and be natural about it. We had to continue to be “out there” and be available to the people, but we didn’t push it in a needy and desperate way. When you are patient and relaxed about it, you set up the foundation to have a healthy friendship.

I encourage everybody to start neighboring by doing what’s obvious and by taking advantage of each opportunity in front of you. It will take time to become a good neighbor. I promise that over time you will suddenly find yourself thrust into opportunities to be not only a good neighbor, and you might even make a few real friends along the way.